Floating Upriver

Day 4 of chemo and feeling good so far. I feel somewhat tired from the emotional/mental stress, the environment of the hospital, probably the chemo and counter-meds but I also feel energized and lighter somehow – and I think it is because these tumors are diminishing in haste. The pain I had in my lower back and leg is gone. I have had no nausea and no major adverse reactions to the chemo and my appetite is healthy. They say the worst days will be right after I get home (which should be tomorrow!) but we shall see – one day at a time.

I woke up this morning to a wash of beautiful sun coming in through my hospital room window. My nurse, Gillian, helped unhook me from the monitors and IV so I could practice yoga. Once I was free I walked to the window and noticed the small window of the East River that I can see.

I was startled to see the river flowing backwards. Before I could recall that it was, in fact, a tidal river and this was nothing to be alarmed about I wondered if the world was truly upside down.

So many aspects of this experience have had that same startling quality. The inversions and reversals. Me growing placental cells? Me laying down and allowing myself to be fully cared for? Me a cancer patient? A coming Fall that seemed so full of bustle and work now a 3-month diversion into alien territory? Living in the ICU of a hospital for 5 days?

I have developed a couple of personal mantras in the last week. Every time they hook up a new chemo on the IV I say out loud 3 times “the chemo is my ally.” The second one came with an image of a circuit board. That there is this shock of new, high-power energy coming into our life and my goal is to “be a transformer, not a resistor.” This power is too great to simply muscle back on it. I need to, like an aikido practitioner, redirect and reprogram the over-eager energy of the disease into positive inner change. To see where this left turn leads and not just wrestle life back to the path I thought I was on.

I cannot resist this river flowing the wrong way. But I can let go, be buoyed by the consistent stream of visitors and healers, the thoughts, the prayers, the notes, the music, the intention, the light of so many. I can float toward the headwaters with openness and gratitude in my heart.

Love, J