So they tell me I am not supposed to be feeling so hot today but I feel good! It is day 10 / hump day of cycle 2 chemo and based on cycle 1 my immune system should be crashing (I started taking antibiotics this morning as a precaution and will hopefully avoid the hospital this time!). I am not getting regular blood work so not sure what my white blood cells are up to but I did yoga for an hour this morning, cooked lunch and feel energized and clear. I have some tinnitus / ringing in the ears from the chemo but it’s not too bad.
MSK tested my tumor marker (HCG) on Monday and it was down to 3,100! We still need to get to zero and the hard work remains in the last stretch but it means that 1) the pace is good 2) the trend continues to go in the right direction 3) I can no longer test positive on a home pregnancy stick (the threshold is ~5,000).
I was anxious awaiting the results Monday night, pressing refresh on the patient portal where I can pick up the results. It’s funny – there are so many large unknowns about the path ahead but when there is a known unknown, like a pending test result, my mind and fear has something to hold onto and just attaches itself. One of the things I am working on is to not allow the fear around this illness to take shape, to manifest as an image, as something to grow in the shadow. Not deny it, not shy away from it, but not feed it. A little nugget from Frank Herbert’s Dune:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
In other developments, my amazeballs co-workers and friends are rallying for a “Light The Night” event in NYC next Wednesday, 9/25 at 5:30pm and have put together a fundraising team. If you are around and so inclined you can join the team for the walk (contact sdankas@bootsoft.com for any questions/coordination). You can also donate directly to the team effort through the team page. Funds raised go towards cancer research.
Adventures In Testicular Cancer 
I had throbbing tinnitus for months! So annoying! Good to see what you are up to Jay. You seem to be kicking ass. keep at it!
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
….and what an “I”, you are! F*ck the fear on hump day!
Thank you so much for these updates. You are in our hearts,
Imaginary is key Jay…….talk to those neuts….
Love you boyo
Patty
Excellent report, Jay. Don’t be too disappointed by feeling so frisky on Hump Day. By the way, if you don’t mind, I’ll come by to walk and play ball tomorrow with Sophie. Last week, by Thursday, she had lost her appetite for the daily swim.
Wonderful, Jay! The words of that poem are something we should all try to remember! Lots of love coming your way! Xoxo Nighty night! Ann Bresnan
Nice pull from Dune, Jay! Keep up the up!